I feel disconnected. I feel as though I’ve tried so hard to be the right kind of person or care over and beyond for someone and regardless of my tries, it just is never good enough.
Why is it so easy for someone to pick you up and throw you down, emotionally? Why do we compromise more while the men don’t? Why is it easy for them to physically want to be with you, yet deny they have anything with you?
I have made many mistakes, and for a time I’ve been asking the universe if they will ever be forgiven. I know that God forgives, through His Son Jesus of Nazareth. But the deeper question is: do I forgive myself for past and present mistakes? I don’t. Not really, if I’m still having this struggle.
I place a guilt on myself. For not being perfect in everyone’s eyes. I am out of the religious system, yet I still have the after effects of wanting to be a perfect human being. Mentally, I know that it is not possible to be perfect while living in an imperfect world. But somewhere within, I doubt what I know mentally to be true.
All of this shows somewhere in all of my relationships. With friends: I go over and beyond to be nice and make them like me. With suitors: I go over and beyond to be a perfect woman and wife material, always compromising and making things easy so they’d stay (although these actions could account for something more than wanting to be perfect, but let’s just stick with this topic today). With co-workers: being the goody-two-shoes and doing everything “right” so that I can get ahead. Now I have to say nothing is inherently wrong with this last example, but am I doing this because this is really me? Or am I trying to please an invisible person?
I would like to just be me. Ianthie. Not worry about what people think of me or whether they like me or not. Not worry when I apologize for my wrongs done and others don’t scepter forgiveness yet taunt me. Just not think about other people and just BE ME. Whoever that is when I stop pleasing everyone else. Be ok with wilding out (no, I’m not talking about going on a drinking or sex spree…) and do because I can. Be a cyclist if I so choose. Be a swimmer if I so choose. Be a salsa dancer if I so choose. Be a traveller if I so choose. JUST BE in whatever space of time for all of the activities I mention, and others I have yet to discover, that is fun.
I make it difficult, when it really isn’t. Something in bread or learned, not too sure which is which. But letting go is necessary.
They say that life can change in a matter of minutes, I believe that. This past weekend was one of wonder, in the beginning it was not one of pleasurable wonder but a rather painful but as I ponder I think that lives can change, whether for the bad or good, in a matter of minutes. Mind you the situation was in the making for months, and as for the red flags well I completely bypassed them because I wanted what I wanted and all I could see was my desires and not the truth that was staring me in the face from the beginning.
Hearing truth is hard, but I think only for those who hold on tightly to what they want. Having to let go, despite your own desires is a painful thing. In this situation I had to let go because the truth was so blatant, so raw, so real and true that there was no other way. I do wish things would be different, and in my favor but for one wishing for something isn’t helping anyone (in fact it likely only keeps you in denial!) and two you have to see things for what they are and accept that things won’t change. Once you do both of those two things then you are in a better position to make a decision and/or just move onward.
I did some wondering. I wondered what life would be like if things were different and in my favor. Would I be happier? Would I be satisfied? I don’t really know. But even so, wondering the ‘what if’s’ can’t do anything but help to keep me dwelling in something that is and has past. After I did the wondering, I decided to live in the present and accept what is and what has past, and to live for me.
We can’t change the way people think and feel about us or how they decided to treat us, whether positive or negative, but we can change how we receive (and if we receive) the negatives from other people. We can decide not to dwell on the emotionally negatives, but to accept what is (even when negative) and change how we move forward.
By no means do I write that all of this is easy, and to each his or her own, but all things are possible. And the fact that there is possibility in the midst of difficulty, makes it all the more reason to take the opportunity.
Damn it! Another one!! This I say to myself as I can feel the tension rising up the back of my neck. Why is it that I still seem to not be able to control my emotions? The little things is what gets me. For the next hour, or two, or three, or four I gripe and moan about whatever got into my craw not realizing that I have allowed time to slip away from me, on the account of the small insignificant things – making mountains out of molehills or creating something from thin air.
This is generally true of how I would react to negativity or allow things to bother me. But you know? Recently I have been yearning to just let go of my “uptightness” and just, relax. I have been feeling, restrained and as each day passes I have this kind of desire to let go and relax. Not be hard on myself or others. Not take everything so…final.
Stress to myself or to others is never a positive thing, and in fact takes away from what happiness is there.
I agree that there are many things in life that truly are, well, serious but for a lot of the other stuff it really isn’t. It’s just stuff – things that happen or choices made that affects lives.
For those other stuff, well, the truth is that I don’t need to know everything, neither do I need to control everything. What I do need is to relax and be happy, to be “me” and remember that not everything is so serious.