Tag Archives: Fears

Quiet, Calm, and Loved

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Today was an odd day. Odd because usually my life had much drama. But today and yesterday was very quiet, no true worries or anxiety attacks, no heartaches or fears – just a stillness.

In this stillness I never really knew how to handle it. Do I revert to being surtounded by drama that I had become accustomed to? My flesh almost yearned for that for lack of knowledge. But I decided to ride the stillness through.

Today was day 2 of the stillness and I have to say that in this time there is still no feeling of dread or anxiety. Just a very calm, kind of knowing or trusting that the change is good.

The effects of dramatic situations do take a toll on you. You contend with your own emotions and thoughts as well as the other party (ies) involved. All this causing stress to your own person and others. So being in the midst of calm stillness is a very good thing.

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What If?

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What if one day I finally have ‘enough’ and stand up for myself? Stand up for wanting true love, and not settling for a small¬†portion that someone is reluctantly giving me?

What if one day I have enough strength and self-love to peacefully walk away, knowing that I have given this all that I have. That I can’t give any more, but P will never feel about me the way that I hoped he would?

What if one day I really am “ok” to walk away from P, and knowing that he will (whether out of spite or just his nature) run back to¬†his ex or other women?

What if one day I am not afraid of P’s, or anyone’s, rejection of me?

What if one day I can be free to be me and meet someone who will love me the way I should be loved?

What if my true love is right around the corner, and until I receive it I have to let go of P and his ex and every horrible thing that happened in the last 11 months?

What if I truly, spiritually, forgive P, his ex and myself?

What if the possibilities are greater?

What if?

She Cycled Alone

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It may not have been a perfect ride this evening, but I don’t care for perfection. I care for the heart behind the imperfect. Of course I am making that statement because I am quite imperfect, but my love for others and life is true.  That and I try to overcome my mistakes, not always making the mark but I try.

This evening I had my first, real solo ride!  Really this was supposed to happen last week but other things was given precedence.  This week I just felt deep in my heart that I desperately needed to refocus on myself and those things that I enjoyed doing, those things that I shined in. By “shine” I don’t mean that I excelled competitively in, but that one could so easily see that attractive joy in me. That infectious joy that also could spread to others.

Today was my first step. Not that I needed to explain the rationale behind my not going to boot camp, to others and as another firsts I didn’t give explanations.  This was for me, a little selfish, but well needed.  I was nervous and initially thought of all the bad that could happen to me on the road, by myself.  While there is some truth, what I decided NOT to do was give in to that common fear that grips me at times.  In a sense I brushed it to one side, while quietly acknowledging the realities, instead I focused more on the “good” that can come from going out on my own today.

As I reached home from work, I rushed just a bit to get ready: proper clothing, check.  Helmet, check.  Water in bottles, check.  Bicycle looks and tires feel sound, check.  House door locked, money in pocket, phone in armband – off I went to discover the unknown that awaited me.  Little hiccup in crossing the road, but not a dramatic one. Ok, I was on my way. I had an idea of where I wanted to go, and took off there.  

I really can’t say that I had a “Jesus” moment, and I certainly didn’t set out for one but I did find peace and joy in myself.  Just enough to wet my cycling palate for more.  Being solo also without music, allowed me to be in the present and to enjoy what was happening without additional worries and fears.  At one point I did feel FREE.  Free to be ME.  Sound corny? Well the truth is that I’d lost part of myself in trying to be something that others would love and want to love.  But realizing that that would never happen, the only other alternative was to let go of that train of thougt by accepting its reality and reclaiming what I’d given up. 

I confess that I can and do make a mess of things from time to time. Remember I said I was not perfect?  But I do try to have the right heart towards a thing, even if in the beginning I am stubborn.  But on this evenings ride, I felt that I was forgiven. That in spite of the mess I’d made over the weekend, I was still loved. 

Nah, I don’t believe it was a “Jesus” moment. But it was a moment that I could face the mirror, seeing the good and bad and still walk away joyful and positive that strength for tomorrow will be had.

Today was an awesome day.