Category Archives: Letting Go

Visionary

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Consider the above quote. Let it sink in for a moment or two.

If you thought about the quote then one of the first things you would note is that vision for future is very important. How can one know where they want to or are going if not for having vision?

Wandering aimlessly leads to an openness of misadventures. While you can still learn in your wandering, lots of it isn’t necessary.

Consider also that he past is called “past” for a reason. What has gone is gone, unretrievable. If you have left something, whether by growth or change, why do you return to what’s past or what’s passed? My answer to that, as in my own life has a lot to do with fear. Fear of not having vision for future. Fear of growing out of and into something new, as newness is unknown or unusual to me. So I fear that which I don’t know.

Unfortunately it is very easy to revert to the past as what has passed is very comfortable. After all comfort is what we know. But in striving to be inside comfort we actually do not grow and 8 growing, expand into a new self.

Now we all do not have “it” altogether,  and so many will have vision for their lives. Others will need to create vision and follow through. We may not have vision regarding everything in our lives, but once we begin to know ourselves and really be okay with our fears of change, we can safely and steadily walk in our vision.

Be brave. Be fearless. Be ever growing.

The Power to Forgive

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Yesterday I wrote about “what if”, and part of that was honestly seeking forgiveness for things done against another.

Today I did just that. I sought forgiveness from her, for my mishandling of the situation. I spoke of nothing other. She also offered her apologies.

This afternoon he was angry. Didn’t want to see my heart. He said I needed to pay the consequences of my not obeying him in speaking with her. His consequences was that he was going to block me out of his life for good.

I cried. I cried because how could someone be so cold hearted to spite all of the “good” and block me out for my seeking forgiveness for my wrong doing against the third party? I cried because how could she have taken my apology and twisted it? I cried because Dear God I could not understand that when I have tried to do “good” and seek forgiveness for something that was bothering me for so long, this was the backlash that I received.

I sought forgiveness and she apologized, and my conscience is clear. My asking forgiveness was all I wanted to say and I said it. My heart is clear.

He will not see my heart, and I have fought for him to see my good but he won’t.

In partial response to yesterday’s post on “what if’, sometimes the backlash that you get when you honestly try to be good and do good is not favorable.  Sometimes it means that people you love will choose to walk out of your life. But I accept his position today, and will allow him to walk away and keep going.

His actions show that he isn’t the one for me, and you know what? Even though it hurts so much, even though I will cry at times – it will be OK.

It will be OK because when the right man comes along and sees my heart, he will know how to love it. He will not allow anything or anyone to break it.

Today, my heart and conscience is clear.

Tomorrow I stand up for myself. I believe in the impossible-possibilities.

What If?

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What if one day I finally have ‘enough’ and stand up for myself? Stand up for wanting true love, and not settling for a small¬†portion that someone is reluctantly giving me?

What if one day I have enough strength and self-love to peacefully walk away, knowing that I have given this all that I have. That I can’t give any more, but P will never feel about me the way that I hoped he would?

What if one day I really am “ok” to walk away from P, and knowing that he will (whether out of spite or just his nature) run back to¬†his ex or other women?

What if one day I am not afraid of P’s, or anyone’s, rejection of me?

What if one day I can be free to be me and meet someone who will love me the way I should be loved?

What if my true love is right around the corner, and until I receive it I have to let go of P and his ex and every horrible thing that happened in the last 11 months?

What if I truly, spiritually, forgive P, his ex and myself?

What if the possibilities are greater?

What if?

Disconnect The Disconnection

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     I feel disconnected.  I feel as though I’ve tried so hard to be the right kind of person or care over and beyond for someone and regardless of my tries, it just is never good enough.

Why is it so easy for someone to pick you up and throw you down, emotionally? Why do we compromise more while the men don’t?  Why is it easy for them to physically want to be with you, yet deny they have anything with you?

     I have made many mistakes, and for a time I’ve been asking the universe if they will ever be forgiven. I know that God forgives, through His Son Jesus of Nazareth. But the deeper question is: do I forgive myself for past and present mistakes? I don’t. Not really, if I’m still having this struggle.

I place a guilt on myself. For not being perfect in everyone’s eyes. I am out of the religious system, yet I still have the after effects of wanting to be a perfect human being. Mentally, I know that it is not possible to be perfect while living in an imperfect world. But somewhere within, I doubt what I know mentally to be true.

All of this shows somewhere in all of my relationships. With friends: I go over and beyond to be nice and make them like me. With suitors: I go over and beyond to be a perfect woman and wife material, always compromising and making things easy so they’d stay (although these actions could account for something more than wanting to be perfect, but let’s just stick with this topic today). With co-workers: being the goody-two-shoes and doing everything “right” so that I can get ahead. Now I have to say nothing is inherently wrong with this last example, but am I doing this because this is really me? Or am I trying to please an invisible person?

I would like to just be me. Ianthie. Not worry about what people think of me or whether they like me or not. Not worry when I apologize for my wrongs done and others don’t scepter forgiveness yet taunt me. Just not think about other people and just BE ME. Whoever that is when I stop pleasing everyone else. Be ok with wilding out (no, I’m not talking about going on a drinking or sex spree…) and do because I can. Be a cyclist if I so choose. Be a swimmer if I so choose.  Be a salsa dancer if I so choose. Be a traveller if I so choose. JUST BE in whatever space of time for all of the activities I mention, and others I have yet to discover, that is fun.

I make it difficult, when it really isn’t. Something in bread or learned, not too sure which is which. But letting go is necessary.

Waiting for Something Greater

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A good friend of mine, K,  told me that the best lessons are those you experience.  I have to agree with him to a point, while I don’t want to feel emotional pain the experience of certain situations tend to be more lasting. 

Specifically in matters of the heart I realize that you can not stay with someone who doesn’t care or want you.    Unfortunately a lot of the pain we feel, for those good women and men, from others that we are with are because that significant other is just not the one for you.  Accepting that and making the decision to move on in spite of your emotional ties to that significant other is a tough hill to climb, but “cudos” goes to those persons who do make the decision to ‘keep it moving’.

In keeping it moving we often tend to hold anger towards that person in the relationship who we know have done us wrong, and while it is okay to feel the emotions that we do, it is not okay to fester and act on the anger. 

Recently what I found that helps are people who are strong support systems.  By strong, I mean that they are objective, direct and honest with you but also will be there to comfort you at your lowest point – these are the types of people you should keep in your life.  Those who can build you up when you have been torn down. 

It takes time, I tell myself.  Time to heal and truly forgive the situation, the person and yourself.  Don’t be in a rush to forgive, but when you do that would be the final chapter to closing that book and letting go of toxic relationships.  Then wait for, find and love someone who knows how to really love you back!

Making that first step to the rest of my life starts with removing persons who are in my life and aren’t right for me, started with letting go.  Goodbye P.

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