Monthly Archives: November 2014

Quiet, Calm, and Loved

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Today was an odd day. Odd because usually my life had much drama. But today and yesterday was very quiet, no true worries or anxiety attacks, no heartaches or fears – just a stillness.

In this stillness I never really knew how to handle it. Do I revert to being surtounded by drama that I had become accustomed to? My flesh almost yearned for that for lack of knowledge. But I decided to ride the stillness through.

Today was day 2 of the stillness and I have to say that in this time there is still no feeling of dread or anxiety. Just a very calm, kind of knowing or trusting that the change is good.

The effects of dramatic situations do take a toll on you. You contend with your own emotions and thoughts as well as the other party (ies) involved. All this causing stress to your own person and others. So being in the midst of calm stillness is a very good thing.

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She

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She is beautiful, even though he won’t see it.

She is willing to love him, even though it’s not good enough for him.

She is loyal to him, even though he disrespected her.

She is broken because of him.

She questions herself, why isn’t she good enough? What can she change so that he would want to cherish and love her? Deep down passing all the hurts
he has caused, she knows there is nothing she can do. He is who he is, and he will always disappoint her in his choices.

He only choice is to accept courting from another man who wants her.

The Power to Forgive

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Yesterday I wrote about “what if”, and part of that was honestly seeking forgiveness for things done against another.

Today I did just that. I sought forgiveness from her, for my mishandling of the situation. I spoke of nothing other. She also offered her apologies.

This afternoon he was angry. Didn’t want to see my heart. He said I needed to pay the consequences of my not obeying him in speaking with her. His consequences was that he was going to block me out of his life for good.

I cried. I cried because how could someone be so cold hearted to spite all of the “good” and block me out for my seeking forgiveness for my wrong doing against the third party? I cried because how could she have taken my apology and twisted it? I cried because Dear God I could not understand that when I have tried to do “good” and seek forgiveness for something that was bothering me for so long, this was the backlash that I received.

I sought forgiveness and she apologized, and my conscience is clear. My asking forgiveness was all I wanted to say and I said it. My heart is clear.

He will not see my heart, and I have fought for him to see my good but he won’t.

In partial response to yesterday’s post on “what if’, sometimes the backlash that you get when you honestly try to be good and do good is not favorable.  Sometimes it means that people you love will choose to walk out of your life. But I accept his position today, and will allow him to walk away and keep going.

His actions show that he isn’t the one for me, and you know what? Even though it hurts so much, even though I will cry at times – it will be OK.

It will be OK because when the right man comes along and sees my heart, he will know how to love it. He will not allow anything or anyone to break it.

Today, my heart and conscience is clear.

Tomorrow I stand up for myself. I believe in the impossible-possibilities.

What If?

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What if one day I finally have ‘enough’ and stand up for myself? Stand up for wanting true love, and not settling for a small¬†portion that someone is reluctantly giving me?

What if one day I have enough strength and self-love to peacefully walk away, knowing that I have given this all that I have. That I can’t give any more, but P will never feel about me the way that I hoped he would?

What if one day I really am “ok” to walk away from P, and knowing that he will (whether out of spite or just his nature) run back to¬†his ex or other women?

What if one day I am not afraid of P’s, or anyone’s, rejection of me?

What if one day I can be free to be me and meet someone who will love me the way I should be loved?

What if my true love is right around the corner, and until I receive it I have to let go of P and his ex and every horrible thing that happened in the last 11 months?

What if I truly, spiritually, forgive P, his ex and myself?

What if the possibilities are greater?

What if?