I feel disconnected. I feel as though I’ve tried so hard to be the right kind of person or care over and beyond for someone and regardless of my tries, it just is never good enough.
Why is it so easy for someone to pick you up and throw you down, emotionally? Why do we compromise more while the men don’t? Why is it easy for them to physically want to be with you, yet deny they have anything with you?
I have made many mistakes, and for a time I’ve been asking the universe if they will ever be forgiven. I know that God forgives, through His Son Jesus of Nazareth. But the deeper question is: do I forgive myself for past and present mistakes? I don’t. Not really, if I’m still having this struggle.
I place a guilt on myself. For not being perfect in everyone’s eyes. I am out of the religious system, yet I still have the after effects of wanting to be a perfect human being. Mentally, I know that it is not possible to be perfect while living in an imperfect world. But somewhere within, I doubt what I know mentally to be true.
All of this shows somewhere in all of my relationships. With friends: I go over and beyond to be nice and make them like me. With suitors: I go over and beyond to be a perfect woman and wife material, always compromising and making things easy so they’d stay (although these actions could account for something more than wanting to be perfect, but let’s just stick with this topic today). With co-workers: being the goody-two-shoes and doing everything “right” so that I can get ahead. Now I have to say nothing is inherently wrong with this last example, but am I doing this because this is really me? Or am I trying to please an invisible person?
I would like to just be me. Ianthie. Not worry about what people think of me or whether they like me or not. Not worry when I apologize for my wrongs done and others don’t scepter forgiveness yet taunt me. Just not think about other people and just BE ME. Whoever that is when I stop pleasing everyone else. Be ok with wilding out (no, I’m not talking about going on a drinking or sex spree…) and do because I can. Be a cyclist if I so choose. Be a swimmer if I so choose. Be a salsa dancer if I so choose. Be a traveller if I so choose. JUST BE in whatever space of time for all of the activities I mention, and others I have yet to discover, that is fun.
I make it difficult, when it really isn’t. Something in bread or learned, not too sure which is which. But letting go is necessary.