Monthly Archives: September 2014

Disconnect The Disconnection

Standard

     I feel disconnected.  I feel as though I’ve tried so hard to be the right kind of person or care over and beyond for someone and regardless of my tries, it just is never good enough.

Why is it so easy for someone to pick you up and throw you down, emotionally? Why do we compromise more while the men don’t?  Why is it easy for them to physically want to be with you, yet deny they have anything with you?

     I have made many mistakes, and for a time I’ve been asking the universe if they will ever be forgiven. I know that God forgives, through His Son Jesus of Nazareth. But the deeper question is: do I forgive myself for past and present mistakes? I don’t. Not really, if I’m still having this struggle.

I place a guilt on myself. For not being perfect in everyone’s eyes. I am out of the religious system, yet I still have the after effects of wanting to be a perfect human being. Mentally, I know that it is not possible to be perfect while living in an imperfect world. But somewhere within, I doubt what I know mentally to be true.

All of this shows somewhere in all of my relationships. With friends: I go over and beyond to be nice and make them like me. With suitors: I go over and beyond to be a perfect woman and wife material, always compromising and making things easy so they’d stay (although these actions could account for something more than wanting to be perfect, but let’s just stick with this topic today). With co-workers: being the goody-two-shoes and doing everything “right” so that I can get ahead. Now I have to say nothing is inherently wrong with this last example, but am I doing this because this is really me? Or am I trying to please an invisible person?

I would like to just be me. Ianthie. Not worry about what people think of me or whether they like me or not. Not worry when I apologize for my wrongs done and others don’t scepter forgiveness yet taunt me. Just not think about other people and just BE ME. Whoever that is when I stop pleasing everyone else. Be ok with wilding out (no, I’m not talking about going on a drinking or sex spree…) and do because I can. Be a cyclist if I so choose. Be a swimmer if I so choose.  Be a salsa dancer if I so choose. Be a traveller if I so choose. JUST BE in whatever space of time for all of the activities I mention, and others I have yet to discover, that is fun.

I make it difficult, when it really isn’t. Something in bread or learned, not too sure which is which. But letting go is necessary.

Advertisements

Letter To A Friend

Standard

“How can I ease your pain, if you keep coming back for more pain?” – Unknown

Dear Friend,

Right now you want to cry out of pain you feel because of reality. Reality showed you time and again that someone else has presented an illusion of how they feel about you. He lied to you. He does not care enough about you to respect you. Now that he doesn’t need you, he has moved on to someone else. His pattern continues on with another female.

As much as you want to cry and feel bad about yourself over this, he is and has issues deeper than what he has made known.

You are a very beautiful woman, both inside and out. You are flawed, just as is everyone, but you still are beautiful and I want you to really grasp that. He will never deserve you. But he, too, deserves to be happy. Forgive that. Let that go. He made that decision to play with your heart and emotions.

You were true to him. You are not the problem. Asking yourself “why?” Is irrelevant. Let it go. Let him go. With all that is within you, forgive yourself. Learn and move forward in peace. Believe that you do deserve so much more than what he and all others like him has offered you. Believe that you are worth more than diamonds and pearls can buy.

You want love, and absolutely nothing is wrong with that, but the cost that this guy paid to have you is mere rocks as compared to your value.

Never look down on your worth.