It may not have been a perfect ride this evening, but I don’t care for perfection. I care for the heart behind the imperfect. Of course I am making that statement because I am quite imperfect, but my love for others and life is true. That and I try to overcome my mistakes, not always making the mark but I try.
This evening I had my first, real solo ride! Really this was supposed to happen last week but other things was given precedence. This week I just felt deep in my heart that I desperately needed to refocus on myself and those things that I enjoyed doing, those things that I shined in. By “shine” I don’t mean that I excelled competitively in, but that one could so easily see that attractive joy in me. That infectious joy that also could spread to others.
Today was my first step. Not that I needed to explain the rationale behind my not going to boot camp, to others and as another firsts I didn’t give explanations. This was for me, a little selfish, but well needed. I was nervous and initially thought of all the bad that could happen to me on the road, by myself. While there is some truth, what I decided NOT to do was give in to that common fear that grips me at times. In a sense I brushed it to one side, while quietly acknowledging the realities, instead I focused more on the “good” that can come from going out on my own today.
As I reached home from work, I rushed just a bit to get ready: proper clothing, check. Helmet, check. Water in bottles, check. Bicycle looks and tires feel sound, check. House door locked, money in pocket, phone in armband – off I went to discover the unknown that awaited me. Little hiccup in crossing the road, but not a dramatic one. Ok, I was on my way. I had an idea of where I wanted to go, and took off there.
I really can’t say that I had a “Jesus” moment, and I certainly didn’t set out for one but I did find peace and joy in myself. Just enough to wet my cycling palate for more. Being solo also without music, allowed me to be in the present and to enjoy what was happening without additional worries and fears. At one point I did feel FREE. Free to be ME. Sound corny? Well the truth is that I’d lost part of myself in trying to be something that others would love and want to love. But realizing that that would never happen, the only other alternative was to let go of that train of thougt by accepting its reality and reclaiming what I’d given up.
I confess that I can and do make a mess of things from time to time. Remember I said I was not perfect? But I do try to have the right heart towards a thing, even if in the beginning I am stubborn. But on this evenings ride, I felt that I was forgiven. That in spite of the mess I’d made over the weekend, I was still loved.
Nah, I don’t believe it was a “Jesus” moment. But it was a moment that I could face the mirror, seeing the good and bad and still walk away joyful and positive that strength for tomorrow will be had.
Today was an awesome day.